Running the Race AND Carrying the Grief of Cancer

I the Lil Sojourner am running the race of my Christian faith AND I am carrying the grief of cancer. Here I am transparent here I share both ends. The two can coexist. Just because I have faith doesn't mean there is never a struggle. I won't hide the struggle. Today I want to share the grief side of cancer. I know grief. I lost my daughter just over a year ago. Though that grief is even heavier I can still recognize it in cancer and feel its weight. I just finished my fourth week of treatment. I am feeling the weight. I am feeling it. Even after the good news of finding that the treatment is working. Even in knowing my God heals.

Today I feel the Grief. Today another day of radiotherapy and not looking forward to week five of radiotherapy and chemotherapy. Some days I have felt much peace and some days the grief. Today I felt it. The grief. Today I felt the weight. I felt grief slowly rising, while trying to hold back a tear. Today just felt louder even as I silently said the Lord's prayer. The noise of the machine the noise of it all. The noise of my tired body. Another day at the cancer center another day I got through. Though today I felt grief rising and even felt like it was going to rush on out. I wanted to run to our car and just let it all out. A river of tears from grief it is present there is no denying there is no doubt. This grief has been here before it has snuck up on me as I have turned a corner. Unexpected and unapologetically. And it has brushed me in the face as it whispered quietly, "I am here" Then I'd take a deep breath and keep on running.

Grief presses in on you and makes you intertwined with weary. It becomes too intense to ignore and too intense for you to carry alone. So, we must face it head on. I must face it head on. Not pretend it isn't there not pretend I have it all together even though I am a woman of faith. That isn't what faith is all about. Instead of bottling it up I turn the faucet on and let it flow when it is ready. Where will I direct it? Where will it go? Who will catch it?

Letting Grief Intertwined with Weary Flow

Are you feeling the presence of the grief of cancer or the loss of a loved one? Do you hear your weary bones chatter like I do? Are you feeling the grief rise up? Let it flow my friend let it flow! Let the tears fall. Isn't that where healing begins? No need to hold back. Even write it all down. It is you running the race, a race you do not run alone. It is okay to weep after all Jesus wept too! He even weeps with you.

Jesus Wept

I can hear it now. "Why grow weary? After all..." "By His stripes we are healed" This is true!

But then I think of Jesus and the story of Lazareth. Even though Jesus knew he would rise Lazareth from the dead Jesus wept.

"³² Then when Mary was come where Jesus was, and saw him, she fell down at his feet, saying unto him, Lord, if thou hadst been here, my brother had not died.

³³ When Jesus therefore saw her weeping, and the Jews also weeping which came with her, he groaned in the spirit, and was troubled.

³⁴ And said, Where have ye laid him? They said unto him, Lord, come and see.

³⁵ Jesus wept.

³⁶ Then said the Jews, Behold how he loved him!" John 11:32-36

We CAN feel the weight of today AND believe in the joy of tomorrow. I can also hear Jesus say "all you who are weary come to me and I will give you rest"

"Come to me all who are weary and I will give you rest"

Maybe you need to let it all out. Maybe you are tired of letting it all out. Tired of crying. Whether we feel like we are about to finally explode or we are at it again it is the presence of grief. When we feel the presence of grief, we too can feel the presence of God and find the weight being lifted.

²⁸ “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. ²⁹ Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. ³⁰ For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.” Matthew 11:28-30 KJV

So dear friends go ahead and cry let is all flow. Let it go and let our good LORD catch all your tears. Run to Him and find rest for your weary souls. Even if it is again and again. You will find Him to be your gentle and loving friend.

Today with a grief and weary stricken heart I pray "Here I am again Lord running to you."

Let's run together!

W/Loving-Kindness,

a far, far from perfect Lil Sojourner

walking in His perfect trails of Love